Bite me.

<ul>
<li>I burned my hand on a hot baking dish.</li>

<li>While changing a diaper, I forgot the golden rule of changing a baby boy <i>(cover the package!)</i> and got peed upon. At least he’s got a good stream!</li>

<li>After months of haggling, documenting, and signing paperwork, I finalized refinancing my mortgage. While tearing the big mortgage check from the stub, the perforations decided to hold and I tore the check.</li>

<li>I tried melting chocolate in the microwave. The bottom half scorched, the top half just got mushy and now the house smells like burnt rubber.</li>

<li>I scratched the crystal of my brand new watch by knocking it up against a door jamb as I walked past.</li>

<li>I didn’t snap the lid on the garbage can completely and one of my dogs got into the can, spreading shredded dirty diaper bits all over the living room.</li>

I’m going to bed now. What else could go wrong? Wait, <b>don’t answer that.</b>